This is a piece I wrote for my college humor magazine. If you don’t like corny jokes, then you may want to blacklist this entire blog immediately in your search engine.
While on a routine rock-gathering expedition into the ancient Roman aqueducts, amateur geologists Sydney Stone and Ricky Rockwell inadvertently unearthed a secret bigger than any single scientific discovery in the history of man. At least, as far as written history goes back.
What they stumbled upon one night (stubbing several toes in the darkness) was a single etching into the wall that said simply:
Cats are dogs
“I just exhaled a breath and breathed in another,” whispered Rockwell like a man who has seen into the eternal void and returned to tell the tale. “There was nothing else I could do.”
The implication of this weighty statement brought to us directly from our Lord and Eternal Savior is that we’ve been doing it wrong all these years. And if we messed up on such a fundamental categorization as cats and dogs, what else could we have just plain screwed up these last few millennia?
“On an everyday basis, we don’t go around thinking about how much of our lives have been constructed based on our definitions of what is a dog and what is a cat,” explained Dr. Duncan Diddles, senior professor of etymology and veterinary sciences at the University of Michigan. “Yet almost everything can be traced back to these basic classifications. Think of models walking down the dogwalk. Taking your cats to the cat park for exercise. Construction workers making dog calls at passersby. Eating hotcats. Isn’t that just the most confusing thing?”
Some blame this mislabeling on the dogs and cats themselves. “We’ve been calling cats dogs and dogs cats for so long – why have they never said anything?” demanded the spokesperson of a flash mob that gathered spontaneously outside the White House to express their discontent through dance.
“Meow,” replied a dog across the street.
While most have accepted this new piece of information and begun changing their lives around its many and varied implications (Nickelodeon has announced a rerelease of the show Catdog dubbed under the new title Dogcat), others have remained skeptical. Owners of Chihuahuas, Terriers, Pomeranians, and other small breeds of cat that everyone has always known weren’t dogs anyway are reported not to have noticed any difference whatsoever. One of the earliest disbelievers was co-founder of the etching, Sydney Stone.
“I’m sorry, but this is silly,” scoffed Stone. “There’s really no way that God actually wrote that. Everyone who is taking this ridiculousness to heart is going to feel foolish when whoever is responsible for the writing gets bored and owns up. You’ll see.”
Other more qualified people have had entirely the opposite response. The Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has indicated that this revolutionary revelation will not only change how we view cats, dogs and their various derivations – it could lead to a complete turnover in our entire view of the universe.
“I’ve been performing tests to discover other vital definitions that we may have gotten wrong from the very start,” claimed Richards. “If you see what I’m doing here, I’m lighting myself on fire while wearing a chicken suit soaked in kerosene and reciting nursery rhymes in reverse. By our current understanding of the world, I should die a horribly painful and unbelievably embarrassing death. But observe…”
Directly after saying these words, he lit a match, touched it to his temple and immediately turned into a duck-billed platypus.