Tag Archives: funny

Nudity: An Exposé

Here is another article from my humor magazine days in college. I changed/removed identifying information and updated the class years of the interviewed students (the numbers that appear after their names) to what they would be if this were written in the coming fall. Tomorrow I’ll deliver the conclusion to the serialized story I’ve been writing the last few days (‘There’s No ‘S’ in Human‘); don’t you just love the anticipation?

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The college community has been shocked recently by what can only be described as an outbreak of nature all across campus. The number of students who just can’t seem to keep their pants on has more than tripled since last fall semester. This reporter has risked life, limb and lingerie to get you the skinny on this sudden surge of skin.

“I’m not going to dress this up at all – it’s an ugly thing,” warned Director of Vestments, Ms. Bea Fabulous. “It’s the freshman, mainly. They’re experiencing a whole new level of freedom in their lives that they have chosen to express in their clothing choices. Or lack thereof.”

I asked one sophomore, Phileas Fidge-Fudge ’16, about his views on the recent streak of streaking. “It’s an absolute atrocity,” claimed Fidge-Fudge. “I mean, I saw, like, twelve naked dudes in the locker room at the Leonard Center. It’s a stark reminder that we can’t turn our backs on nudity for a moment, lest it sneak up behind us in the showers.”

Fidge-Fudge’s story of locker room lewdness has been confirmed independently on several counts, with some witnesses claiming to have seen upwards of seventeen naked men in the gym’s locker room. However not all incidents have occurred on such a large scale. Many isolated reports of student nudity—referred to by some as ‘studity’—have been revealed in various corners of campus.

“So I was just taking a leak in a bathroom in the Art Building, right? And this guy comes up beside me and unzips his fly!” gushed Rob Rubbles ’14. “I was taken completely off-guard. I may have to go back to exclusively using the toilets in the stalls, if only for the sake of a little decency from my fellow peers.”

Some skeptics claim that all of this is a natural part of students exploring themselves and their environment while they build their adult personalities in college. However, the raw facts tell a very different tale. A recent study conducted by a group of Stanford University naturists shows unequivocally that all manner of crooks and criminals throughout history have had one thing in common: nudity.

“All rapists, murderers, arsonists, adulterers… They were all naked at some point in their lives,” said Dr. Jean Geenie, Stanford’s Professor Emeritus of Public Anatomy. “If you’ve ever found yourself disrobed, even one time in the privacy of your own home, you should seek professional help immediately. Otherwise you may as well turn yourself in to the proper authorities for the crimes that you will no doubt commit in the near future.”

According to some students the problem on campus is getting more severe. “I was totally gonna’ bang this bangin’ babe,” claimed Chad Hunter ‘15, a self-proclaimed bro. “Suddenly she took off all her clothes right in front of me, then made me take off mine! I was so shocked, I couldn’t fight back. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.”

Most shocking of all, however, are the increasing reports of accidental self-nudity. “I was in the shower, minding my own business and just scrubbing myself, when I looked down and saw that I wasn’t wearing anything at all” detailed one student who preferred to remain nameless. “I was so shocked! But the real kicker – when I thought back to previous showers, I had the distinct feeling that they may all have been conducted au naturel as well.” She added, “does that mean I’m a bad person?”

Despite the seemingly endless barrage of bare bodies, Ms. Fabulous is hopeful that we will soon see a decrease in the current profusion of porn. “Everyone has to watch their own back. Just remember: nudity is always following you, lurking no further away than right under your clothes.”

Dogegorization Dogastrophe

This is a piece I wrote for my college humor magazine. If you don’t like corny jokes, then you may want to blacklist this entire blog immediately in your search engine.

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While on a routine rock-gathering expedition into the ancient Roman aqueducts, amateur geologists Sydney Stone and Ricky Rockwell inadvertently unearthed a secret bigger than any single scientific discovery in the history of man. At least, as far as written history goes back.

What they stumbled upon one night (stubbing several toes in the darkness) was a single etching into the wall that said simply:

Cats are dogs
-God

“I just exhaled a breath and breathed in another,” whispered Rockwell like a man who has seen into the eternal void and returned to tell the tale. “There was nothing else I could do.”

The implication of this weighty statement brought to us directly from our Lord and Eternal Savior is that we’ve been doing it wrong all these years. And if we messed up on such a fundamental categorization as cats and dogs, what else could we have just plain screwed up these last few millennia?

“On an everyday basis, we don’t go around thinking about how much of our lives have been constructed based on our definitions of what is a dog and what is a cat,” explained Dr. Duncan Diddles, senior professor of etymology and veterinary sciences at the University of Michigan. “Yet almost everything can be traced back to these basic classifications. Think of models walking down the dogwalk. Taking your cats to the cat park for exercise. Construction workers making dog calls at passersby. Eating hotcats. Isn’t that just the most confusing thing?”

Some blame this mislabeling on the dogs and cats themselves. “We’ve been calling cats dogs and dogs cats for so long – why have they never said anything?” demanded the spokesperson of a flash mob that gathered spontaneously outside the White House to express their discontent through dance.

“Meow,” replied a dog across the street.

While most have accepted this new piece of information and begun changing their lives around its many and varied implications (Nickelodeon has announced a rerelease of the show Catdog dubbed under the new title Dogcat), others have remained skeptical. Owners of Chihuahuas, Terriers, Pomeranians, and other small breeds of cat that everyone has always known weren’t dogs anyway are reported not to have noticed any difference whatsoever. One of the earliest disbelievers was co-founder of the etching, Sydney Stone.

“I’m sorry, but this is silly,” scoffed Stone. “There’s really no way that God actually wrote that. Everyone who is taking this ridiculousness to heart is going to feel foolish when whoever is responsible for the writing gets bored and owns up. You’ll see.”

Other more qualified people have had entirely the opposite response. The Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has indicated that this revolutionary revelation will not only change how we view cats, dogs and their various derivations – it could lead to a complete turnover in our entire view of the universe.

“I’ve been performing tests to discover other vital definitions that we may have gotten wrong from the very start,” claimed Richards. “If you see what I’m doing here, I’m lighting myself on fire while wearing a chicken suit soaked in kerosene and reciting nursery rhymes in reverse. By our current understanding of the world, I should die a horribly painful and unbelievably embarrassing death. But observe…”

Directly after saying these words, he lit a match, touched it to his temple and immediately turned into a duck-billed platypus.