Here is another article from my humor magazine days in college. I changed/removed identifying information and updated the class years of the interviewed students (the numbers that appear after their names) to what they would be if this were written in the coming fall. Tomorrow I’ll deliver the conclusion to the serialized story I’ve been writing the last few days (‘There’s No ‘S’ in Human‘); don’t you just love the anticipation?
The college community has been shocked recently by what can only be described as an outbreak of nature all across campus. The number of students who just can’t seem to keep their pants on has more than tripled since last fall semester. This reporter has risked life, limb and lingerie to get you the skinny on this sudden surge of skin.
“I’m not going to dress this up at all – it’s an ugly thing,” warned Director of Vestments, Ms. Bea Fabulous. “It’s the freshman, mainly. They’re experiencing a whole new level of freedom in their lives that they have chosen to express in their clothing choices. Or lack thereof.”
I asked one sophomore, Phileas Fidge-Fudge ’16, about his views on the recent streak of streaking. “It’s an absolute atrocity,” claimed Fidge-Fudge. “I mean, I saw, like, twelve naked dudes in the locker room at the Leonard Center. It’s a stark reminder that we can’t turn our backs on nudity for a moment, lest it sneak up behind us in the showers.”
Fidge-Fudge’s story of locker room lewdness has been confirmed independently on several counts, with some witnesses claiming to have seen upwards of seventeen naked men in the gym’s locker room. However not all incidents have occurred on such a large scale. Many isolated reports of student nudity—referred to by some as ‘studity’—have been revealed in various corners of campus.
“So I was just taking a leak in a bathroom in the Art Building, right? And this guy comes up beside me and unzips his fly!” gushed Rob Rubbles ’14. “I was taken completely off-guard. I may have to go back to exclusively using the toilets in the stalls, if only for the sake of a little decency from my fellow peers.”
Some skeptics claim that all of this is a natural part of students exploring themselves and their environment while they build their adult personalities in college. However, the raw facts tell a very different tale. A recent study conducted by a group of Stanford University naturists shows unequivocally that all manner of crooks and criminals throughout history have had one thing in common: nudity.
“All rapists, murderers, arsonists, adulterers… They were all naked at some point in their lives,” said Dr. Jean Geenie, Stanford’s Professor Emeritus of Public Anatomy. “If you’ve ever found yourself disrobed, even one time in the privacy of your own home, you should seek professional help immediately. Otherwise you may as well turn yourself in to the proper authorities for the crimes that you will no doubt commit in the near future.”
According to some students the problem on campus is getting more severe. “I was totally gonna’ bang this bangin’ babe,” claimed Chad Hunter ‘15, a self-proclaimed bro. “Suddenly she took off all her clothes right in front of me, then made me take off mine! I was so shocked, I couldn’t fight back. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.”
Most shocking of all, however, are the increasing reports of accidental self-nudity. “I was in the shower, minding my own business and just scrubbing myself, when I looked down and saw that I wasn’t wearing anything at all” detailed one student who preferred to remain nameless. “I was so shocked! But the real kicker – when I thought back to previous showers, I had the distinct feeling that they may all have been conducted au naturel as well.” She added, “does that mean I’m a bad person?”
Despite the seemingly endless barrage of bare bodies, Ms. Fabulous is hopeful that we will soon see a decrease in the current profusion of porn. “Everyone has to watch their own back. Just remember: nudity is always following you, lurking no further away than right under your clothes.”